On a day like this, a seemingly ordinary day
20 years ago, the sun set in our world never to rise the same again. Part of the warm embrace it brought forever lost. Dawn of nothingness where sunrise should have been. An all-encompassing pain was all that was present on that day. Bits of it still lingers in the memory of you.
Everyone with the best of intentions offered empty words meant to comfort, “everything happens for a reason. ” Pray what is this reason? My whole being would demand? When every 8 pm we waited for you to come through the door with your usual “Guten Abend”, As if you had foresight this language would be a big part of our lives, your grandkids first language. 8 pm came and went, you didn’t show, your seat demanded to be filled, we wanted a “Guten Abend” with a hearty smile and your warmth. Your side of the bed demanded your presence, so mum could stop searching for you in the dead of the night and falling deeper into nothingness.
I know that everyone has to go back to the resting place. Some sooner than others, but that offers no comfort. Though time did set a new normal and we learn to sit with the discomfort of your absences, we can’t help missing you. Wondering how our lives would have turned out had you more time.
At times your face sadly falls from memory, remaining a blur, but your laughter lingers. I hear it in your grandkid. In her generosity and kindness, I see you. I talk to her about you, in hope that in your absence she will know bits about you. In moments of sadness and nothingness, I vividly feel your spirit comforting me. Offering me the assurance that though your body be dust your spirit and soul are always with us, it brings me peace.
Till we meet again Dad!