Because we human beings can be fickle and I don’t claim to be any different, my identity is wrapped around things and roles and though I journey within I still look without for meaning, for validation. All vanity but still needed, despite knowing better.
If I be not my deeds, not my achievements, nor the roles I play, then why do I need to be described as a wife, a mom, a graduate, a writer, a lawyer, a……….. why not just say, “Hi I’m the girl with a great need to learn things of the soul, things we keep hidden, the secret of every human beings essence, the shadow self, I’m forever on a quest.
Won’t that be weird, so I keep adding to the acceptable, commonplace descriptions. Yes, I’m a mom, no, not the stay at home kind, but the glorified busy one who hardly ever has time for the kid, or building a home.
Oh yes, I’m married, happily so, we just had our 10 anniversary, celebrated with a long intimate walk along the shores of blue-green water, with the sound of waves for music and the smell of the sea feeding our souls. We gazed at the stars, him pointing out the patterns and the names I can’t seem to ever remember, we whispered little nothings, held hands… Only none of this happened, our anniversary came and went unnoticed, obscured by resentment and recycled anger. But this is not the story we want, we want Stargazing and happy endings. So yes I’m a wife and not a good one while we are at it, another role to an identity that doesn’t begin to touch on the essence of who I am.
We have become reliant on society norms and the labels it befits us that we go through lifetimes without really finding the answer to who we are stripped of the roles n achievement titles. When the mask is off, and the mom is just a woman, the wife just her own person, the academia and carreerer are non-descriptive, what are we left with? Who then are we? When forced to look deeply within, what do we see? Are we scared to look, would we much rather hide behind our careers, our roles, external validation, escapism and other patterns?
When I come face to face with my shadow self she scares me. but meet her I must, accept and integrate her even more so! I seek her out for conversations, for clarity on the things I had to repress deep in my subconscious to be acceptable. One question remains constant, who was I before all the chiselling to fit societal rules? At times I feel a deep connection and acceptance to the woman, it is a powerful feeling when everything is coming from within. Others I seek external validation from without and hide behind my roles. Thin in spirit, giving up my power and this is a scary place to be. I have come to accept the ebb and flow of life and see it all as seasonal.