I am not a religious person despite the fact that I grew up in church, but I am deeply spiritual and believe in divine power. Transcendence though mainly associated with a deranged mind, I believe is a natural human experience.
My first experience with divine power still has me in awe. It happened at a very low point in my life 2 years ago. I was in the midst of coming apart, consumed by emotional pain and trying to keep it together. I put my daughter to bed, my husband must have been out. So I dicided that was the perfect time to sit with myself and give room to the pain. The bathroom always offers a great sanctuary to meet my self. I consciously laid a clean towel down and lowered myself onto it. It was time! I could let loose and ugly cry without scaring my child or having my husband think I was insane. I completely gave in to the pain, at some point I felt that if I did not regain control, my brain was gona explode. Writing has always been an efficient form of catharsis, so, through blurry eyes I let the words flow out of me. Below is an unedited excerpt of what I wrote.
“I need someone to help me, I don’t know who to call, my whole body shivers, I feel like i’m loosing touch with reality and a shell of myself is sitted on the bathroom floor being drenched in pain, I feel alone apart from the me who is watching me and holding me and rocking me back and forth chanting its gona be okay, breath, write, don’t go, it’s gona be OK, breath… stay… But it’s too overwhelming and my pain demands to be felt and I can’t stop crying, my whole body hurts, I cannot allow myself to go there, I will give no permission for my name to be spoken in past tence and my daughter grow up motherless. I’m strong, I’m my mother’s daughter, my ancestors Prophesy, I gotta be strong, I’m calling upon you my ancestors, I’m calling up on you dad, help me, I’m alone and drowning, I can’t see, my tears blur me, dad help me, wrap your spirit around me”
So what happened right after I wrote the above still seems surreal! Remember I was cold and shivering and hyperventilating from so much crying. In an instant, my heart beat slowed, the bathroom felt warm, a sence of calm washed over me, a feeling of every atom in my body being alive and connected with the universe was vivid. I felt no fear at all, I had always imagined that such an experience would scare me off my wits, could be they were not present. I felt comforted by a presence outside of me, intuitively I knew it my dad’s spirit. It was such a natural knowledge that I didn’t stop to question. My spirit felt so full and whole. I said, “dad is that you?” But no one spoke. Still I felt such gratitude for his presence. I left the bathroom transformed, with the affirmation that spiritual energy is real and contrary to my conditioning, transcendence is not a deranged state of mind! I had for the first time in my life experienced something bigger than myself and my believes.
My second and more consistent transcending experience
This has happened during very intimate times with my husband. Not the wam bam thankyou ma’am quickies or sexual tension release. But when we truly and consciously take unhurried time to deeply connect with each other. After one of these moments, I had to write. I tend to have a deep urge to write after every significant or intense moment in my life. Below is what I wrote.
It feels spiritual
As if we have entered a new realm
All mind chatter dies and the senses awaken, an all-encompassing feeling takes over
It feels as if our bodies have known each other over lifetimes
As if they were created for each other
Energy flows from him back to me
As we lose our physical boundaries
We enter a state of heightened ecstasy
Pure bliss, where all senses connect to one.
Self forgotten, transformed into pure vivid energy.
The afterglow of it, a sweet repose, Spent so much so I can’t move a muscle.
Needing time to come back to self, when I’m finally back, It falls on me that I never truly feel so connected with the universe as I do in this moments.
It is again confirmed how very sacred sharing ones body with someone else is. How intimacy transcend just a physical connection. I have come to look at this moments as mystical consciousness, which only happen when I’m truly living in the moment, present with my mind, body and soul. It proves that the “self” cannot be limited, there is always more to learn, more than one’s beliefs and limitations, and it is indeed possible to merge with the divine.
This experience have left me with an insatiable need to explore deeper in things that are mostly regarded as deranged or unnatural and led me down a path of shadow work. I grew up with the believe that such experiences are simply crazy. Which made me hesitant to talk about this, I don’t like putting myself in the way of ridicule. but we all experience life in our own way, this is part of my story. A part that has helped free me off the fear of things beyong my comfort zone. Have you ever had a trenscending experience you are willing to share?