Ulterior motives

Having an exchange with someone who wants to debate my feelings and truth while being removed from both and vehemently denying any of them, feels like repeatedly hitting my head on a wall. The constant invalidating and minimizing my experiences as if there is but one truth and it belongs to him is just too much to handle.

Conversing with someone who seems to have increased objectivity just because they can maintain what they seem to think is a calm demeanour is really emotionally exhausting.

I’m tired of wearing armour, I’m tired of being told that my warmness is a pretence while my darkness is a direct reflection of who I am. I’m tired of being seen as always having an ulterior motive while I set out to live my life with authenticity. Speak my mind with clarity lest things get misunderstood but things still get misconstrued.

When things are stated in plain why then is there an attempt to create a different narrative other than just acknowledging what was said. What are these constant expectations of ulterior motives? Why this constant urge to invalidate and minimise?

So much fog, every time I think it’s lifted it becomes more obscure. I seem to be looking for love where there is none for me. I must have forgotten what love should feel like and settled for something unbecoming, appalling, destructive. Where everything I say has to be scrutinized, misconstrued and invalidated.


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