Things we lost

When we are in situations, it is hard to imagine that we are ever gonna be okay again. I’m going through one of those unforeseen curveballs that momentarily puts an end to all dreams and life as we know it.

During this time I’m trying to gain perspective from all the previous situations that life has thrown at me. Recalling the hopelessness and despair they brought along and realizing that it was just a period, not my entire life. This saves me from drowning and so does writing. I will share with with you dear reader, a few of the situations that I’m drawing from, without going into many details.

At 6 years old, I was sexually abused. I carried around the shame of it for a long time. I thought I had to bear it my whole life, But I grew up and gained perspective. This was something that happened to me, not something that I chose and in no way do I give it the power to define me. In my adult life, I have not experienced this shame or allowed this abuse to rob me off a healthy, enjoyable sex life.

I lost my firstborn brother when I was 11 and my dad when I was 13. Both times I was overwhelmed by grief, such great pain I did not believe I could go on living. Yet day by day, month after month my grief gave way to a little joy, I found myself laughing again and fondly recalling shared moments with them.

I moved to Germany when I was 23. Leaving my family, friends and culture for the unknown. This was terrifying but within no time, I had made friends, learnt the language and created a new life, and though I miss my family, culture and familiar childhood things, I’m now far from terrified, I have created a home, great memories and though I will never belong, I’m happy here.

Like most people, I have gone through my share of breakups with boyfriends and close friends. Through periods of depression, breakdowns, pregnancy loss, rape, sicknesses and a lot of unpleasant things. Every time I felt I could not breathe and was falling into a deep dark abyss but eventually, I always found light or it found me. Once again I could laugh and breath long and deep.

I recall these things as a reminder of how resilient human beings are. How everything is seasonal, being involved or being removed, being sad and being happy, letting go and holding on, creating and incubating, being of this world and returning to the resting place. Things are always in a constant transition, breaking and coming whole again.

As I navigate this curve ball and experience all range of sad, painful and angry emotions, I’m drawing from my experiences the knowledge that this too shall pass. Until then I need to feel this wave, acknowledge and accept this low period of my life. Pain is part of life, There is no “why so much pain and heartbreak?” So I’m giving in to these feelings cracking at my surface. Trusting that breaking won’t leave me in despair but will lead me to a new light and fresh dreams.

Take time within
Mourn lost things
Bury broken dreams 
Breath again a little lighter 
A whole colourful butterfly.

1 Comment

  1. You have obviously already gained some wisdom. The very young can’t imagine bad times passing, but you know they do. Good for you! I’ve learned too that sometimes things I consider terrible turn out to be for the best. Look for those.


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